I don’t really take a look at the singles charts unless I’m kind of struggling for ideas for this blog. So in my struggle for inspiration I happened across the current charts and was shocked to see this – ‘Jedward’ at #2 in the chart.
Charlie Brooker decried the idiots that insisted upon the name ‘Jedward’ and when has he ever been wrong? Never, that’s when. So it’s ‘John and Edward’ from now on.
Another wise sage, Peter Simpson, who rarely watches the X-Factor and so is an unbiased observer commented that the twins had
“changed the meaning of the word choreography from ‘doing the same as each other’ to ‘flailing about doing any old shit’.”
We can all accept that kind of behaviour on a television show like X-Factor as part of a lurid car-crash viewing experience but why would someone buy the single?
It’s so shit that even Vanilla Ice laughed when he first saw their performance on X-Factor. Vanilla Ice! Laughing at someone else!? Does that not fry your brain?
They’re so fucking shit that they could only feasibly appear alongside Vanilla Ice because any other living entity would obliterate them with actual talent.
The only reason I can think for buying this awful, awful, awful shit is that you think people might think it’s funny and that other people will laugh and adore you for being so committed to a good laugh.
Well that’s just wrong! Nobody is laughing with you! No! If they’re laughing at all they’re laughing at you and calling you names like ‘cretin’ and ‘wanker’ and talking about you when you leave the room, and if they’re not then I certainly am.
Is that what you want? No, think about your actions. You’ve brought Vanilla Ice back into the spotlight, well thanks very much. You cunt.
If you’ve yet to be convinced that Simon Cowell is a force of pure evil perhaps this latest seemingly altruistic venture from the mogul will confirm that he is a minion of the antichrist.
OK so, it’s a sensible idea in theory, a charity single, that might be the only way you can get some people to give money to a disaster appeal.
But Everybody Hurts? Isn’t the message behind that song that you know, EVERYBODY goes through this sort of thing?
Oh, so thousands of people dead, buildings collapsed, lives destroyed in one of the world’s poorest countries? That’s nothing! We had 6 inches of snow here a few weeks ago, come on! Chin up!’
I can think of few sentiments less appropriate than that. Except that it requires the sort of core audience Cowell is targeting to do as little thinking as possible.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Cowell hasn’t missed a trick here. Oh no! Like they say, any publicity is good publicity, so let’s get Alexandra Burke, Leona Lewis, Susan Boyle, Joe McElderry on the record. So everyone can see what lovely people they are, all products of Cowell’s TV shows too, fancy that!
Please, please, PLEASE! Instead of buying this just donate the money to DEC direct. Don’t give this satanic bastard any more reason to be smug.
I should probably be more upset, apoplectic in fact, but I’m not.
What has transpired is so unconsciously conceived to enrage me it would be like a red flag to a man who had specifically requested not to see a red flag.
Two of what I call the ‘unholy trinity’, the shit music triumvirate, Akon and Pitbull have collaborated on ‘Shut It Down’
I agree with the sentiment of course, my only complaint being that it should apply to all Pitbull music. The trouble is, I don’t actually care about this song in the fuming, furious way I usually do.
I can make basic observations about it: It’s shit.
But it’s hard to get angry about it. It’s like I’ve either become so used to hearing this stuff that my ears have built up a tolerance to this punishment or that I’m so completely disillusioned by these awful performers that I’ve become apathetic.
It gets worse. You know if Tik Tok came on in a club I’d probably dance, dance badly. I’m willing to humiliate myself publicly for songs that aren’t even worth the trouble, songs that I sneered at down the length of my nose, mere months ago.
The shit music is still out there, you hear reports from less-conditioned friends about the latest OneRepublic album.
It’s small comfort though, my hearing is going and I fear that soon I will lose the ability to curl my lip in disgust.
Until that day, let us relive some of the monstrosities of our distant past and plaintively long for the simpler times.
The good news is that this is not the beginning for some celebrity alcoholism epidemic. The bad news is that they are giving a ’shout out’ to ultra-hip producer and Akon collaborator RedOne.
What is the need for having the songwriter’s name announced to all at the start of the song? Imagine if the Beatles had done that? ‘Lennon-McCartney! Yesterday..all my troubles seemed so far away…’
The point is, songwriters should have the humility to let the songs speak for themselves. Take Carole Bayer Sager for example, she wrote lots of famous songs but she doesn’t go on about it.
Well she might, but not in the same obnoxious, self-serving way RedOne does.
Still, I’m thankful that he is such a rampant egotist. Whenever I hear a song that begins with a call for ‘red wine’ it’s a handy cue: ‘Hey brain, if you want to take your break now is a good time.’
I think I preferred the world of alcoholic pop stars. Hell, who wouldn’t?
The volume of hateful comments left on this website is becoming quite distressing. Two in the last month.
So with that in mind I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to a group of musicians, I don’t think it would be exaggerating to call them the greatest musical combo the UK has ever produced: N-Dubz.
Hopefully that will get me off the hook for all the mean things I’ve said about them. I’m now going to change my name on this so it no longer appears as my real name and instead as the mysterious pseudonym ‘Peter Andre‘
This change of heart has been brought about by the news that some artists aren’t so willing to shrug off unwarranted verbal abuse as I always hoped they would be.
Well not N-Dubz anyway, see here for details. A woman texts into a radio show and (presumably) jokingly chastises Dappy with all the venom of a Victorian noble and calls his hat ’silly’.
Now these might seem like minor slights that any level-headed person could ignore and get on with their life, more so if you have lots of money and fame to cushion the blow.
Instead Dappy elected to harass and threaten the woman unless she apologised.
So in light of those developments. I’d like to say sorry again to N-Dubz and Dappy and reiterate that Dappy is definitely not a pathetic wanker.
Alexandra Burke grievance #7,162 – She can sing but she sounds unconvincing as hell in all her songs, as passionate and involved as if she were performing a love ballad for a toaster.
Take her latest single ‘Broken Heels’ for example, you can call it ‘Exhibit A’ if you want to imagine this as some kangaroo court, except without the kangaroo.
Alexandra claims that RedOne (mandatory name-check before song starts) wrote the song based on her personality, which is akin to writing a song about Patrick Stewart’s hair.
It’s all about boys vs. girls and how girls are better and everything, a truly groundbreaking concept. Unless of course it’s actually about Alexandra trying to improve sales of faulty shoes. It could be either.
She should take this further though. How about a television series hosted by Alexandra, where men and women perform simple tasks whilst wearing aforementioned ‘broken heels’?
The contestants could then be judged by a panel consisting of Paul Ross, Ian Wright, Coleen Nolan and unduly prominent X-Factor losers Same Difference.
It’s an idea so drunk on its own magnificence to elaborate further would involve creating wild new words to describe how brilliant it is.
Plus it would fill the scheduling gap between Britain’s Got Talent and the next series of the X-Factor, perfect.
Given my hugely inflated sense of my own importance I thought I would take the liberty of offering advice to the music stars of the day on how they could make changes that will help them this year.
Akon - Who better to start with than my old buddy Aliaune? In 2010 he should attempt to break a world record. My choices would be: longest a person has stayed alive whilst on fire, longest someone has held their breath for and world’s most broken bones.
Madonna- Please! Go back to your castle with all your adopted babies and live the quiet life. I ask you this every year but it’s time to hang up the conical bra (dated reference, that’s how old you are) and stop it with the sub-par tunes before they destroy the magnificence of your early stuff.
Paolo Nutini – Stop experimenting with different styles. This is usually a wise career move for most musicians but Paolo seems to insist on dabbing his hand at wildly unfashionable genres: skiffle, shit reggae and crap-hop. This year: vaudeville, Christian metal and Sting covers.
Pitbull - How about trying that finger-gun thing from Crocodile Dundee? But instead of blocking the gun with your finger, how about with your head/groin? Make sure it’s a shotgun too, not one of those pussy handguns.
Flo Rida - No list of my pet hates would be complete without the unholy trinity of Akon, Pitbull and Flo Rida, it would be genuinely nice to have someone else to complain about this year.
So I’d like Flo Rida to follow his dream of trying to settle world conflicts by performing vulgar protest songs for tribal leaders in Pakistan. We’re all behind you Flo, give ‘em hell!
Time to reflect on all the awful music we’ve suffered through as a society over the past ten years!
2000 – Severe case of the nineties hangover, charts dominated by cheaply manufactured boy and girl groups, collaborations between Five and Queen that had previously never been seen outside of a deck of cards.
Worst song – Sisqo – Thong Song – An ode to drooling and women’s underwear, violins can’t turn crass into class.
2001 – Very different times, Bob Builder had his second UK #1 single and Hear’say were number one twice this year. Sucky craplords Westlife all too frequently top the chart. Spice Girls go solo.
Worst song – Crazy Town – Butterfly – Take a stunning piece of music by Red Hot Chilli Peppers and get some meatheads to ineloquently rap over the top of it. Actually no, don’t bother, it could never be worse than this.
Worst song – The Ketchup Song – Las Ketchup- Incredibly this song borrows the chorus from Rapper’s Delight retold in ‘Spanglish’, proof that continental connections don’t always equate to sophistication.
2003 – How Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne managed a number one with their shite retake on Black Sabbath classic ‘Changes‘ will live on as one of the 21st century’s greatest unsolved mysteries. Beginning of the end for the shit boy and girl groups of the 1990s.
Worst song – Black Eyed Peas – Where Is The Love? – An appallingly calculated attempt to cash-in on human misery. What do you mean I’m being melodramatic?
2004 – Frankee and Eamon bitched and complained at each other while everyone with ears just wished they had kept it behind closed doors. Peter Andre returned to music but to the surprise of many the apocalpyse did not follow.
Worst song – Peter Andre – Insania – Inside the mind of a moron, a song based around a word of his own making. Tolerated because we all knew he was trying his best not to appear as stupid as he indisputably is.
2005 – Perhaps the strongest candidate for the worst year for music this decade. Akon, James Blunt and Pussycat Dolls all appeared this year with varying levels of awfulness and Tony Christie was number one for seven fucking weeks. I don’t care if it’s for charity or not.
Worst song – Crazy Frog – Axel F- A low ebb for humanity that this could get to the top of the singles charts. Presumably backed by an army of prepubescent imbeciles who thought it would annoy other people. That sort of cuntish behaviour deserves no reward, even if you are twelve.
2006 – A huge improvement on previous years, it wasn’t until March that a novelty/throwaway single topped the charts. All very positive. The shit was still there but it wasn’t quite as popular as before.
Worst song – Sandi Thom – I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker – There are many things to dislike about the detestable Sandi Thom but this surely ranks among the worst of her ills.
2007 – Timbaland surfaces. Things are beginning to look up and generally the charts reflect the will of the ear-having public. Marred by a few sinful efforts for charity that would challenge the sympathies of even the most compassionate.
Worst song – Walk This Way – Sugababes vs Girls Aloud- Good things don’t necessarily always work together, like mixing steak and ice cream. Similarly the two greatest girl groups of the century produced this atrocity for charity by vomiting on a RUN DMC classic.
2008 – Hard to argue with much of what appeared this year, musicians all over the world made a conscious effort to stop being so shit. Still, some traditionalists persevered: Akon brought a new album out.
Worst song – All Summer Long – Kid Rock- Idiot salutes summer by drinking whisky out the bottle (no class) and desecrating the grave of Warren Zevon and all the deceased members of Lynard Skynard (no class).
2009 – Lady Gaga appeared, Michael Jackson died. The two biggest musical events of the decade happening just months apart. A fine example of X-Factor’s ability to distort reality sees a piss-poor Cheryl Cole effort become the fastest selling single of the year.
Predictions for 2010 – A new artist called Mistress Bitch will take the world by storm, culminating in a controversial performance at the VMAs where she urinates into a pensioner’s mouth. Kanye West will implode. Akon will always be shit.
Worst song – Apocalypse Wow – Akon feat. Mistress Bitch.
Chris Brown has no sense of perspective but I suppose when you can also be called a woman beater that criticism probably doesn’t carry much weight anyway.
He’s convinced that the reason his new album isn’t selling as well as his first is because stores are refusing to stock it because of his guilty plea to assault earlier in the year.
He’s basing this on his own brand of market research where he goes into Wal-Mart, looks for his album and can’t find it.
But if you feel a tinge of sympathy for Chris Brown, his Twitter feed provides a first-hand account of what an unrepentant cunt he really is.
im tired of this shit. major stores r blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the fuck do i gotta do…
Yeah those evil corporations, lying to the public! Demonising a violent thug!
He also spoke to store managers, apparently no truth in the rumour that he threatened to do to them what he did to Rhianna if they didn’t talk.
If it’s true, it’s good to see companies taking violence against women seriously. Either way it’s very hard to feel sorry for Chris after what he did.
Maybe another reason why the album isn’t selling well is because it contains music like this.
And if Chris is wondering how much longer he’ll be villified he should ask somebody what Ike Turner is most famous for.
By Peter Simpson. Contains strong language and bizarre imagery from the outset.
It’s Christmas time, and there’s no need to be afraid. Bollocks. There’s plenty to be afraid of – normally sane individuals bring trees into their already-crowded homes then wrap them with frayed chains of lightbulbs, desserts MUST be covered in brandy then set alight, and it’s pitch black outside by 3pm.
The kids have it worse though, as they have a different fear. The fear that Santa won’t bring them that Furby or Beanie Baby they wanted, but a Phurrbie, or a Beenie Baby. No child wants a fakey version of their ideal toy, and it’s the same in music. With that in mind, here’s 10 back-of-a-lorry cover versions that would make any parent think twice before trying to save a few bob on Harry’s presents. Read the rest of this entry »
