New Years Resolutions 2010

Given my hugely inflated sense of my own importance I thought I would take the liberty of offering advice to the music stars of the day on how they could make changes that will help them this year.

Akon – Who better to start with than my old buddy Aliaune? In 2010 he should attempt to break a world record. My choices would be: longest a person has stayed alive whilst on fire, longest someone has held their breath for and world’s most broken bones.

Madonna – Please! Go back to your castle with all your adopted babies and live the quiet life. I ask you this every year but it’s time to hang up the conical bra (dated reference, that’s how old you are) and stop it with the sub-par tunes before they destroy the magnificence of your early stuff.

Paolo NutiniStop experimenting with different styles. This is usually a wise career move for most musicians but Paolo seems to insist on dabbing his hand at wildly unfashionable genres: skiffle, shit reggae and crap-hop. This year: vaudeville, Christian metal and Sting covers.

Pitbull – How about trying that finger-gun thing from Crocodile Dundee? But instead of blocking the gun with your finger, how about with your head/groin? Make sure it’s a shotgun too, not one of those pussy handguns.

Flo Rida – No list of my pet hates would be complete without the unholy trinity of Akon, Pitbull and Flo Rida, it would be genuinely nice to have someone else to complain about this year.

So I’d like Flo Rida to follow his dream of trying to settle world conflicts by performing vulgar protest songs for tribal leaders in Pakistan. We’re all behind you Flo, give ’em hell!

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